Toucher le ciel.

A woman who is always there for me, love is an understatement to what she gives to me. Her ideologies, her philosophies, her disposition in life, I admire them. She never left me nor will she ever do, through thick and thin, through storms and earthquakes, through hard, tough, and good times. I fathom she is the most amazing woman I have ever met in my entire life.

There was a point in my life that I felt weak, trash in somebody’s bin, strength was not in my corner, no one was around not even my family. She called me and said that she will meet me in one of her favorite places. I know she was all that I needed to get through it. It was a lovely afternoon, it was such a humble place to eat, there I saw her. She smiled like there was nothing wrong, she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen after all these years. Straight away, I looked at her grey eyes, she taught me that. A kiss to the cheek and I felt safe, I felt my problems fading away. If there was such a personification for instantaneous happiness, she would be it. 

We spoke about the problem that I was encountering, but more than that, we talked about life. She told me about her whole journey, the struggles, the problems, the devastating moments that I wish never happened to her, and her success. Every word represents a vivid image, it was appalling, I teared up. She told me to help three people everyday so I could sleep with a smile in my face: Myself, family, and others. She was the one who taught me that if you are choosing your words, hit the heart, not the mind. She taught me how to be strong again, that she will always be there to guide me through my journey, that she will help me with everything.

After the conversation, I felt hope pass through my entire body. She is the only one that can do that, she is the only person that I know that has the power to make my indestructible problems feel like they were just a challenge. She is my Mommy, my grandma, she is smart, she is lovely, she is my shield, she is my sword, she is my hope, she is my light. And I do believe that yes, there will always be a grandmother on your side. 

Darkness is more than pitch black of neutrals and hues, darkness is more than the poignant smell of nothingness, darkness is more than the mere eye perceives it to be, and darkness is more than the absence of light. Darkness is my temporary solitude from the world of color, from the world without rest. Darkness can make me see brighter than the colors when the windows to my soul are open, it takes me to a new dimension, it takes me into familiar but vague territory, it takes me into myself. My darkness has no monsters around, no ghouls in sight, nor ghosts that haunts every corner; it has the scent of life lingering through its atmosphere, such beauty, such magnificence. My darkness has never been terrifying, it will always be my natural escape, it will always be my wake up call for appreciating the light that I, at times, have taken for granted. Yes, the balance of dark and light.

I cannot seem to muster the will to eradicate you from this feeble mind. The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you talk, everything that you do is tattooed in my brain like my favorite words. This is a familiar feeling that I am experiencing again, a feeling that I do not want, a feeling that I detest. Complicated is an understatement to what I am prattling, complicated should not be, in any way, associated with what I perceive you to be. I hope I can erase you from my daily thoughts for I have better things to think of, for when I read a book or watch No Reservations, I can only see your face. This is bad for I am getting drunk by the non-alcoholic thoughts of you. But there is this part of me that wants you, that needs you, I cannot control this nonsense. I wish I could just tell you that I do like you, that I wish I was the man you wake up to, the man you dream of, the man that you want to be with all day and all night. I am on the verge of asking you out on a real date, I am close to writing you a sappy letter, I think I am on the brink of falling in love and I am terrified that you would not catch me. 

It was a dark Sunday, I reckon the clouds were heartbroken, and everybody in that place was wearing neutral colors. I thought that this day was supposed to be  happy. As I was trying to discern the words that the priest was saying, as the elderly were frowning at invisible things or events, as everyone was in their best behavior. I found myself disconnected from the grimy environment in a second.

I saw a couple of kids smiling at each other but they were far from one another, they wore these bright colored clothes and had, I think, toys in their hands. They were my rays of lights in that gloomy weather, I found my smile in those little children. I fathom these kids did not know each other before the mass, they were strangers. One was inviting the other one to play, the other kid was trying to get her mother’s approval right away. As one kid approached the other, they were suddenly laughing, instantly they were friends, they did not go to the state of acquaintances. I was smiling at this event, I had another reason to have hope in humanity.

This is one of the things that older people have forgotten, this is one of those simple things that can make this world a better place to live in. I am pertaining about friendship, the one that those children have, the one that is so special. Friendship without inhibitions or restraint, like there was no reason for the other one to decline such a beautiful meeting. Like everybody was ready to be friend to everyone. That is the world where I want to live in.

Maybe someday it will happen, no more rejections, no more fighting, no more backstabbing, no more Hey! I do not like you, you are too fat! You are too skinny! You are one stupid motherfff! Is it wrong that I am wishing for a world where there is no hatred innate in a soul? 

Every drop symbolizes the emotions that were trapped in a person’s mind and heart. This is the only time that that I could remember feelings that were buried within the deepest corners of my mind. Rain, it is magic. This is one of those times that I choose to not speak, but to rather contemplate on things that I have done and will be doing. Sinatra playing in the background while I wallow in those memories, coffee accompanying me throughout this unsolicited journey, and everything else will not matter for now. I wonder why people treat these kind of moments as if it is nothing, I wonder if I am  the only one closing my eyes, creating dreams in my mind, and wishing that I could make it all happen. All of the birds are asleep in their nests, the magnificent moon and her stars are resting behind those dark clouds, but still miracles are happening if you just let things flow.

Tout est bon, tout est beau. Oui, ce soir est magique. 

Every time I look at you from across the room, strutting like the lady boss you are, I get dragons flying in my tummy. Every time I see you smiling at me, I imagine kissing that sweet upside-down frown, and embracing that God-given physique while doing it. I have to admit that I am addicted to those visions, and I admit that I am waiting for a little bit more of those subtle innuendos you are giving to me before I lay down the blueprint for catching your heart. Heaven only knows when will that plan commence. Puppy love or real love, let me be the other half of that game. Yes, let us play the two lovers from a young romance fiasco, be my Bonnie and let me be your Clyde. I am not rushing into things, but time is off the essence, I will stay with you through all the ups and downs if you would let me. Lunch, breakfast, or dinner, let’s take this thing one step at a time. 

Is it about the intricate words? Is it truly about proper grammar? Is it about capitalization and italics? Or does it simply depend on the feelings or the message the writer is trying to convey in his own subtle way? I will take my chances on the latter. Everybody is a good writer, somebody has their own great story to tell. In my own petty perspective, becoming a writer does not need skill, flawless grammar, perfect sentence construction, nor utterly confusing words; one can be a writer when he has the ability to put his imagination into little phrases. Creating worlds, mixing ideas, portraying dormant feelings does not need the kerfuffles that Grammar Nazis are trying to blatantly imply. Stick with what your inspiration is telling you, then step by step you can easily take it to another level. 

I saw her peering through pages of an unnamed book, I cannot stop to whisper a word to myself, amazing. I was not expecting anything that sunny afternoon, I was only wishing to have a moment to myself, but fate had other plans for me that time. I can see her smiling while reading, two of my favorite scenarios, it was beautiful, she was magic. She had eyes that can mesmerize every guy around, she had those eyes that even Medusa cannot match.

Every second that passes by, I was was wanting her even more, every glimpse that I get is a figment of heaven. I was dazzled by this anonymous lady from the bookstore, I cannot believe that I was falling in love that fast. I knew every minute that melts into history is diminishing this chance that destiny has given me. All I have to say is one simple word, hello, or one simple phrase that can make her interested in me, a total stranger.I was frozen in my seat, covered  by a book that I had not paid attention to for quite some time, and a forgotten coffee that was slowly getting cold. 

I wanted to tell her to come into this world of mine, be part of my days and nights, be what I was searching for for all my life. My heartbeat was beating faster and faster, everything around her seems to fade into vagueness. I needed to do it but then someone approached her. A guy that kissed her on her charming cheeks, he hugged her and the left the scene. I just smiled and said to myself, you will break up soon and Ill be at her side when that happens. 

Talk, for your words are heard. Speak, for I will be there to listen. Stories of your past, stories of your present, I like to hear them all, but what I am truly bedazzled with are your stories for the future. From those bad moments, I can hear hope, and from those glad moments I can see you smiling, and I will smile with you all day and throughout the night. Trust me that I will not tell a human about it and I will trust you with all my being too. Bare your soul to me, I want to read you, your introductions, your chapters, and the way you want your endings. I do love how you tell your tales, it is vivid, I can feel them, you are taking me on a roller coaster ride. Every tear that flows from your eyes, I will treasure, for I knew that you trusted me with those memories. Every laugh that comes out of our mouths I will keep in my pocket, so I could pull them out whenever you need them. Those untold stories about pirates and parents, those adventures from childhood and lost worlds. I would not blabber anything until you tell me to, I will laugh, I will smile, I will be there to listen. Treat me like your diary, treat me as one of your friends, for I will be there when everything seems to end.

I was playing alone at the village’s court a while ago until three kids wanted to shoot some hoops too. I can see they were tired from their work, like real work, not the school work that we all have. Their bodies were a bit frail, they wore tattered clothes, and their skins were a tad bit darker than the normal Filipino’s. I said to myself why not? 

I gave them the court. I was there standing and observing these three little kids that were physically and mentally drained from their jobs. They were shooting quite good, they were laughing, they were smiling, they were happy even for a while. I have to admit, I was frustrated and disappointed with myself. I have more than what they have but they were happier. I have less work to do but I am one of those who rant when I have petty chores to do. I wanted to help but I don’t know how. I want to help not only those little kids but more like them.

I did help them in some way that I would not divulge here, but I fathom that it was not enough. I hope that someday, I will make a change in my own way. I pray that someday, I could help people. I wish one day, I would know what to do. 

I would choose dark chocolates over a vague relationship anytime. 

She said wait for me, he said until the end of time. He never thought he will ever get the chance, he never dreamed that he will entice the lady that he always wanted, his heart skipped a beat when she said that one damned word. He thought everything will fall into place now, he thought he will be happy for the rest of his life, he knew damn well that his search was over. 

He waited, he waited for a truly long time that another man could not even endure. Every second felt like a drum in his mind, wishing that the waiting that he was doing would stop. Time was slow, summer was over, winter came, and still no sign of her. He cannot comprehend what was wrong, he still hoped that she would come back. I know she will return. The days passed by, the nights went fading, years have been wasted, he was devastated.

He had to know the reason, he had to know what happened. He asked all her friends, he asked the stars in the sky; finally, he knew. She is now being held captive by another man’s love, she fell in love with another guy, she broke her promise to come back. He was sad but he was not angry. He wished for the lady to have a happy relationship, to have a happy life, hoping that she mustered what she truly wanted. He faded into the background.

He had a new perspective, a new sun, new nights. He hopes to forget her soon, he hopes to forget her immediately. He is a smart guy but he still loves the lady that  broke his utterly fragile heart, he is still waiting. I am still waiting.

I look at this city from above, I do feel lucky, I feel calm. The clear wind blowing from east to west, the sun setting slowly, and the bustle of the city is far away from where I am daydreaming while I am writing this. I do wonder if  I will ever find my lady in this place, a lady that appreciates the beauty beyond clothing and glitters, a love that can share this majestic scenery with me. Lights that are from nature are suddenly glowing bit by bit, glowing for the people below, glowing for the darkness is dawning. I cannot see any twinkles from the sky, I cannot see Mr. Moon peaking behind the dark clouds, how I wish I that I was looking at somebody’s eyes that can make me forget about the kerfuffles that are not present tonight. A lady that is different from all the others. Someday I shall find you. Yes, one day. 

I am lost, I am uncertain where to go, I am trying to climb out of this darkened place filled with mishap. I know this world, I have been here before, these walls, this gray room. I was here when I was depressed caused by people prattling about life that they perceived was correct, people who never tried to help, people who will kick you down until you bleed and left there to be a solitary void in this universe. I was here before, the wrecked chandeliers, smell of alcohol, crushed spirits, and trampled dreams. The thing is, I know this world all too well, I should not be here, I should not be dreaming about the chaos words can do, the travesty that occurs when one speaks of darkness instead of light. I have seen people who taps into this world for inspiration, writers who have a knack for violence and mischief, I do not want any of this, let me step out of this world immediately. As I wait, there is only one thing that can keep me sane, the only thing that radiates here: a candlelight. There are things here that can make Hannibal Lecter happy, a place where Jason X can make people scream their lungs out, but here I am still staring at a simple object. A light that represents hope, I am trying to focus my soul into this thing until someone saves me, someone who can destroy this world forever.